Glad you found the humor in it. Anything so shed leave us the fuck alone. That is heartbreaking. A friend of mine who lost a child to a late term miscarriage had this to say about grief. My wife put me through hell for over a year of non-committal answers, resentment, ignoring me, meanness (I could keep adding things but you get the idea) and gas lighting/refusal to talk about her affair. But take solace: there are others with you in these trenches. GoldenCHild deserves to be happy and cheat if he wants to as long as he does NOT lie to MIL he will be hopped into for that sin. [16] Diana M. Concannon textbook Kidnapping: An Investigators Guide began its chapter on staged kidnappings by using Wilbanks' case as an example. Hi Satori- Its a crappy situation right now. As always, thank you. I even boarded up the windows and door to the basement with plywood! Please pray for my son, hes starting to go through his mourning process in regards to his mother. She might send me a text message. I think that is what H is now waking up to. We live on a golf course so my friends playing that day got an eyeful!! You see if he went to MC he would have to fess up everything. He wasnt sure what he would find..clothes on the front steps etc. I didnt understand why I should walk away after 15 years with no effort which seemed to be her instruction to me. I have heard of spouses finding comments in sites and used them as threats. No one is perfect, yet God still loves you. PS Sorry about the typos and punctuation mistakes in the post he proof aka the proof and too feel aka to feel. I have been NC and ignoring his comms for 5 days. If you werent going through this grief I would worry about you. But, again, in an effort to keep the peace, I would just let it go. Luckily, we havent had that sort of problem too much over the years and hope that it continues. He thinks Im sad at home 1 mile down the road from him lololololol. I vote go to Italy. One thing that has helped me out is turning to my Faith in Christ. She may even be to the point that if you shows you any kind of love let alone sex she will be betraying HIM. Its done. He was right. Im not sure how long you been with your husband or if kids are involved. I have a form of Tourettes now where I literally go fucking cheaters!! LOL I call bullshit on MLCs. Hes starting to open up a little this is why its called a roller coaster. He thinks he really knows you. What is my point? I have to control her. I think one point that people dont make the connection, is the belief that people with AS are extremely loyal, cant manipulate, and never lie, none of which is true, and Ive communicated with honest people, with AS, who confirm that. I told him I supported his quest for his new life but that its not fair that he doesnt consider how it impacts me. Puzzled The cheaters handbook must be out there somewhere. communication problems. <3, http://forums.delphiforums.com/ASPartners. This makes it really easy to see where one is on the spectrum of R D when you put all actions and not just words through that OAR / BED filter. Wwwwhhhaatt I only made dinner, I never told him what to eat. The grief is now omnipresent. I just dont trust anyone atm. It did more for me than my sessions with a counselor. This is why one grieves so deeply. She must imagine how she will feel with each of them in 5-10 years. It can help you understand her mentality. Since this was in the late 1800/early 1900s when this all occurred, no one knows what horrors my great-grandmother went through since she became the female head of household as a 10-year-old girl. I am leaning towards my MIL as emissary (or as TryingHard called it a fishing expedition) in search of hard info and to take the temperature on what the general vibe was towards her son. It seems many CS do that to justify the A. LOL I loved TryingHards additions to ShiftingImps list. Its an absolute lifeline. I would get the what for when I got home. December 2006 Both parties dropped their respective lawsuits. I hope your H wakes up before it is too late. He needs it. Focus on you and your well-being. He may want to R but it may be beyond his capabilities for whatever reason. Two suggestions: one is to get counseling for you to come to terms with the M or S or D or whatever is going on. It is in another area about 20-25 minutes away. Ive been keeping diaries of my work for our business and of course an email trail speaks volumes too. Yoga and green tea and meditation are all options. Im glad you are keeping your circle small. PostedNovember 13, 2011 It may not translate as amusingly here in the re-telling, but in the context of it all, there was that hilarious / hysterical moment. It is interesting how different we all are but yet our stories & ecperiences are so much alike. Well as the old saying goes, blood is thicker than water. (My post of 8/12 suggested she may still be around). H wont be honest, because that would be having to break away from the FOO and do things differently. He wont like it. Cue major insights in the pre dawn hours! The most common reasons why marriages deteriorate include: lack of commitment. Did I want to live or did I want to die? Ive done this sparingly, maybe 3 or 4 times now. Keep pushing through. However, that is highly doubtful since neither of them found it wrong to poach a spouse with a child who has special needs. We all want to help in any way we can. You cant make him understand anything at this point in time. But beneath the mask of a shy, vulnerable and good person something far more sinister lurks. They pick up speed and BAM! You have time and he is to scared to do it first. Si you and h met and discussed business and going forward and everything went well until R came up right ? Everything you say makes perfect sense. Is this correct? The damage is done. Its written by the same woman who wrote the book Hes History, Youre Not. He could hive and should have handled this situation much better. I was overwhelmed with grief. He was shaking like a leaf and scared out of his mind I was going to end it b/c she contacted him. Heck even share the same lawyer!!! I wouldnt mention it if it was a non profit thing but Im pretty sure its a commercially beneficial situation. [1], In June 2010, Wilbanks announced via Facebook that she had been dating twice-divorced landscaper Greg Hutson since early in 2009.[10]. Hi Satori Yes, laughter IS the best medicine. All that combined with the fact that he truly loved me and our life certainly added to his drive to at least try R. I had no choice but to put my big girl pants in and become a force with whom not to be reckoned! It is as much emotional for me as physical it is making love. I can only tell you my personal experience. Yes theres a cheaters handbook but its a very mysterious secret handbook that cheaters pull out of their ass. And he drive me back home. I am sorry to hear things have not improved. He didnt have OW around he left b/c he couldnt live like in that environment and nothing being addressed anymore. Do I regret it? Of course your husband is worried that you will have him on lock down and that you will never trust him again. So when she came to see me today, what floored me was this: That summer we had spent traveling France and scuba diving in Corsica. They are furry angels. Because just as you saidmy husband would never cheat. But it may be too late b/c he can only damage your M so much before it is beyond repair. You are handling this quite well given you are battling on all fronts / business, M and finances. You are not battling against the OW leading your CH astray. Many of these men, will attempt to reconcile, if the new affair (which they almost never leave you, without having one), doesnt work out. Wishing all of you a Happy Thanksgiving and I pray for each of you thru whatever struggles you may face. Wonderful, fast-paced tale of escape from a cruel father willing to marry his daughter off to settle his gambling debts, while training his son to be just like him. When I fell down, you were on my mind. What has helped me with my anxiety is prayer and giving my burdens, my need for control to God. He left and I went into shock. And then the runaway bride syndrome is triggered, when such a woman who has taken off before the wedding suddenly runs headlong headlong from her "evil" lot. My Hs OW is very alive and managed to turn my H into someone I dont know anymore. She was a complete stranger, a totally different person who became selfish and cruel. Me: Cant we figure this out? Well those red flags were correct sadly. You will come back a different woman. derivation Greek/ Latin; to dip ones quill in the wrong ink well] also, definition: An affliction usually limited to the penis and brain organ function; a disorder in which fatal effects may be observed on health, wealth and general prospects.. But I am still a work in progress. I should read it again because one never knows. Let's say a girl likes two guys. But take it from me it is very difficult to be thrown into the middle of things as a parent. But I am simply not sure. I guess I just looked innocent to them. Thats why he threatened to quit the business. And she did. We have more power in those early few months than we realize. If they said night was day and. He is acting like a spoiled child. Devastated. Maybe you can plan another soon. Any one can choose it. And if they are around royal jerks, then they have a chance or becoming a royal jerk. Can I ask a question looking for feedback from womans perspective? We applaud GoldenCHild achieving this though any means necessary. The walkaway wife syndrome is also called "neglected wife syndrome." At the initial stage of most marriages, you can tell that the couples are happy together. Now, though, when I start thinking about RED FLAGS just before the affair and during? Hes had a taste of freedom (which is a false sense of freedom more accurately) however R is probably going to seem like a backwards move to him in his current misguided quest for some half-baked idea of self actualisation. They are not uncomfortable about telling bare faced lies and they do not feel remorse for the pain and emotional distress this clearly causes you. (3). You dont have to have all the answers, right now. Physically sick. So many people escape it or bury it or refuse to face it. I also had to move into my parents new house and sleep in the guest room. Screwing up his life is what concerned me. It is an act of aggression, no question. Well I just lost it. Eventually Love Will Win: Abhishek & Chaitanyas Story Proves Love Triumphs Over Every Norm, 2023 Has Brought These 6 New Bollywood Romances To The Forefront & Were So Ready For The PDA, Obsessed With Alia & Ranbir? CA. You are so right regarding the whole Responsibility and Personal Accountability vs Secrecy and Lies in society. A fitful sleep ensued and the morning came too soon. TheFirstWife. That enraged him. He wasnt 50 but he sure said the same things he said when he decided to have another at 56. It will get better. Ive never had anything like this before At first you dont even know how to pick it up or grip it. Im thinking he doesnt have a lawyer yet? Because its too much pressure. Hes trying to help but his analysis is simply incorrect. He was gone 3 1/2 months before I put my foot down and really blew. He probably has not seen that side of you and should be scared. Cry and vent and get through your grief. Such easy words always said by no one who has ever gone through this. LOL. Good youre going out. Are you kidding me? He had no sympathy from me because cheating is a choice. This feeling intensified once I realised the A had been going on for the period he was saying he was sick and sleeping, going to bed early etc. I guess thats why Im freaking out now. Thank you so much Single Dad for your loving words of kindness. It has helped take a step back so many times..and sometimes its amazing how that can change the dynamics of what is going on. I gladly walked in and the look on his face was unrecognizable to me. There is still a long tough road ahead. My understanding of codependency is something we are conditioned from childhood as you say but there are other aspects to it too. I dont know what to do. Or is my situation too far gone so he will keep going do you think? I look back and know that shed checked out on me in early 2015. But hopefully in dredging that stuff up and rehashing it and hopefully laughing a little you can put that journal in its grave where it belongs right? Seems to me an MLC would happen to a woman before a man. So how is it some men have them and some dont? It is the I deserve to be happy mentality. Yeah, I get it. It took a long, long, long time for my wife and me to get where we are today. Love that line about him being a timid forest creature. The flip flopping tells me he might change his mind again in the future, so no. If you dont like what I have to write move on. It doesnt matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person. (2). Never. Aging women are villified. Kept trying to leave but I persisted. I agree. For H: alcohol addiction, love addiction (avoidance of intimacy and fear of abandonment), social anxiety and possible personality disorder in my H, exacerbated by midlife crisis. The words just jump out at me. Literally. I felt SO unsafe. I so stupidly said ok, we can work on it alone. To give you an opportunity to not let him take advantage of you and business. A WHAM an A begins. Its progress I guess. They have no shame about their reprehensible, destructive behaviorsAfter causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. No worries TryingHard This is not a new phenomenon and has probably been around for as long as marriage has existed. Why does he want to kill himself when he can finally have an out in the open relationship with Schmoopie, akd The Queen of Sheeba? I cant go through the final disappointment over and over. I guess Im lucky. Do they really think we buy the crazy things they say. What I love and appreciate about you (and this is also true of everyone here) is that you see very clearly where the fault lies (with the cheater) and while you are very mindful of the treatment you received yet you are still in your M. Still being loving towards / loyal to your partner. My H is treating me the exact same way you describe your W behaved. Your initial complaint was to say you felt you deserve better treatment by other betrayed spouses. The thing that makes me believe it was, at least partially, a MLC is this: she kept saying things like when is going to be my turn to do what I want and its time for my happiness and other things to that affect. 4. And its not a straight line. No pun intended. My mid life crisis (if you have to call it that) was to start my own business. Its mystifying. All they know is just a moment ago their life and marriage was great, but within an instant everything they knew and everything they had disappeared. Lots of game playing going on, so yeah I am annoyed. Looking forward to feeling the consistency of the clarity you describe. That actually really shows me my instincts on this are correct. One of the things that differentiate runaway spouses from spouses caught in regular affairs is that the betrayed spouse simply did not feel it happening on any level. At that time my state was not a free will divorce state. Thanks for checking in. It left a permanent scar on me. SI You are right, it has helped me to vent, even if it is , ahem, expressive at times. Meanwhile my Plan B is formulating. It is a great post SingleDad. So Im not saying this will happen to you and your case but it just might. As you say, no hope for recovery. But certainly not if its agaunst your layers recommendations. [Side note: the proof is in the pudding is an old proverb which related to the concept that you had to eat the dessert to know if it was good. Just a few days before his demand for a D. I am so sorry for you as you try to get through this awful situation. To the wider friends and in-laws: part of the shame stems from the fact that the runaways seem very adept at putting out the smear campaign that says a BS was controlling and abusive and that theyd been soooo unhappy. Get him to sign away the business to you. And that we cannot deny grief its due. I see it with my children how much relationships have changed thanks to texting and social media. H wanted an OW who said yes to everything, never challenging him, and putting up with his self-described nastiness. And indeed he got exactly what he was looking for. Safe journey for the rest of your trip!!! Mission accomplished, you got my attention!! I am sure the OW has twisted him into a pretzel with her mind games etc. I agree completely that one person cant do all of the work for R. It has to be a joint effort. I kept working and even went past her several times and she never, ever made eye contact with me. Hes making excuses blaming you. Business would be nothing without my H. What I do is only 4 hours of work a week (i,e, nothing). So, my spiritual coach said Im too strong for H (fighter vs flighter check!) Up until now hes been getting a lot of misinformation from non professional resources i.e. Rinse. The other blogs etc that Ive seen are sites contain good info, some are forums but if youre not 100% sure then they can seem overwhelming. It doesnt feel positive at all. But, its your decision on how you react. Actually to both him and her. Such is the price of dishonesty had he come to me and said he was unhappy Id be much more amenable to a different process and a different financial outcome. Shock, desperation, drugs, anger does not a sane cocktail make! If he ever takes ownership of what he has done to himself and you and your business and your M he would realize he needs help. Although, if we do not reconcile, Im glad that at least I went out on a high!! I know that I certainly tried to be the voice of reason..but It all became so muddled. I can imagine that if they ever found out, that was the mother-daughter showdown on the century. I run our business from home and online so I can go days without seeing anyone if I dont need to as all our employees work across locations. Then he walks in Monday and declares he wants a D. Out of the blue. I just need his signature. Which was the polar opposite of his attitude the day before. As you read I finally went on a trip to California. And the voice kept assuring me over and over again that everything would be alright. No kids. I dont want them settling for some guy who wont love with everything they have. We should be he as in he chose to cheat and he chose this behavior and he chose to disrespect me Blah Blah blah. Waiting around for the wayward spouse to make up his or her mind leaves you in the weakest position possible. Im seeing a lot to be worried about and no actions that are redemption based. On the days I let the sadness overtake me, I was a puddle on the floor. Accordingly, Im getting closer to that position about him too. In a word - to grow. ???????? No way he wanted to do that. Its all a smokescreen to hide their betrayal. Blew his top when I told him I always believed in Him..what??? Sadly you have to move on and continue your life without him. I had not experienced until the A began what people describe as walking on eggshells. Lawyer is going to first level early next week. I cant even, Tonight there was a big meeting between us where the full consequences of D were laid bare. For whatever reason, I needed to hear that song at that very moment. Its only been 4 weeks so hes in a real conundrum right now. I think there is a little boy in a lot of grown men and so many of them only behave when they know that mommy can sometimes be scary. Second is to read some articles Regarding exit Affairs. Sure enough it came out. But the reality is the marriage and relationship that we, as the betrayed spouse, believed in, is now gone and something new is taking shape. H: I dont know where to start. Satori I don;t know how I would react if my H had come to tell me honestly he wanted to end it because I still think out of respect for the vows you should at least give things a chance (i mean Id have settled for even 3 months of working on it, let alone 3 years that your friend gave his W, TFW). Good luck to you and just know if that was my son there is NO EXCUSE and I would never accept it or tolerate it. Whichever way you decide, things will work out for you. Im going to be as sweet as pie from here on and get the signature. 90% of it very positive. I almost forgot your Hs OW is no longer alive. He is saying a lot of things lots of mixed messages but no stated desire to continue in the marriage which breaks me. I also feel a few things running concurrently with the external calm-groundedness: paranoid, insecure, emotional, crazy, irritated, abandoned, frustrated, discarded, tired, hyoer vigilant, tired again, self-questioning, emotional again, self-blaming, guilty, embarassed, angry, rejected, ugly, pathetic, scared, hopeful, angry again, annoyed, insulted, inconsolable, sarcastic, bitter, hysterically unbonded, furious, ugly again, sad, inertia, unhinged, failure, humiliated, moody, vengeful, half-hearted, stupid, blind, ambushed, angry again, teary, annihilated, mute, oppressed, manipulated, directionless, despairing, crazy again, cynical, hopeless, lost, scared again, fearful, freaked out, split, disbelief, verbose, desperate, unstable, shunned, clueless, tired again, highly strung, used, repressed, undignified, abandoned again, incensed, shocked, exposed, analytical, devastated, lethargic, devalued, griefstricken, failure again, hopeless, dejected, critical, spun out, embarassed, shunned again, upset, outraged, worthless, frustrated again . He is younger than my H and in his late 20s. And unless you are some kind of narcissistic sociopath your pathetic disclaimer means nothing. I burst into tears at random. This is a long haul no matter which direction it goes. Now that I really understand it, I may as well add this dialogue from PILs: Satori asked for this since she clearly needed to be cheated upon. It just takes some time, little girl in the middle of the ride. She will never reply to that but did send one more snarky email to me which I deleted. His current thesis is that Ill be fine because my family will take care of me. Why would it be, after a passionate relationship, when the question of the wedding has already been resolved and preparations are in full swing for it, the bride suddenly kicks up? Want to Read. Kumbaya indeed. I could keep going on but its beginning to depress me thinking about the crap she said to me!! This trip has been all things exhilarating, occasionally devastating and yet mostly enervating. Pretty sure hs lawyer has laid out the gloom and doom for him and its nit going to be pretty for either one. Check out our runaway bride selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops. That was smart of you.not giving her information. After D-day #2, she became even more distant and cold and resentful. Certainly wasnt my finest moments but it happened and Im not going to deny it. Or does the whole MLC lie dormant for years much like shingles??? ???? I am laser-focused on sorting out the financial side so that at least is more stable. He did not decide to work on the M untik DDay2 and I told him a few days later I was D him. Its been 3 days of mayhem my apologies for the slow reply. I then (still unknowing about the A) went to my in laws purely because I was so worried about his mental state and he was being so aggressive and refusing to get medical advice. Nothing too scary yet. Most men dont leave marriages unless they have a back-up. I understand you cant pray for your H yet. Bridal Store Dublin I followed him out and he got in his car to drive off and through the window I said Well how do you think this works? Silence. He has been my rock during this hurricane. I for one will not be censored or castigated by my words. And sadly, they obviously do not truly have their own sons interests at heart either. I just dont think he is going to come around. financial incompatibility (money disagreements) substance abuse. Now Im really thinking about everything, I realise it has always been about his relationships with his family as a priority and that is not healthy when youre in your early 40s and married! I dont ever recall reading that someone doesnt comment here because there are swear words. If so, would love to hear how you managed to reconcile after such a traumatic experience. I see a crack in his resolve to d with his text. My name is Satori and my husband had an affair. Feelings are a part of you, yet they typically have underlying roots. He admitted her number was back in his phone again (after twice deleting it in front of me saying the A had ended) that she was still calling him, admitted it was probably still an affair. Speaking of the coalface: my H is seeing a lawyer. Like never. Still getting the ptsd symptoms, but Im soldiering on. And forgive yourself. I highly recommend it. I know for me it was very comforting to know I wasnt alone in my thinking wwwwhhhhattt????. Our minds can be our greatest friend or our worst enemy. I sure hope Satori hasnt been run off from EAJ because of one commenters petty complaint. Satori. Of course she didnt bring it up in your prior conversation. Thanks for tuning in. Then in next month nearing the holidays he starts with the D discussion. Whatever reason hes in a real conundrum right now be too late its not fair that doesnt. Shaking like a leaf and scared out of the work for R. it has be! 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